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Mere Suggestions

September 15, 2009 in Ministry, Random, Sarcasm 14

A few months ago Erin, Andy and I decided to have this “competition” on our blogs. We never followed through because Andy kept dragging his feet. However, yesterday, Erin threw down the gauntlet. Here’s her introduction to the whole deal.

“This morning, Kinsley, Monte, Andy, and I were in a Creative Team meeting for the Bible study for the company we work for (that was a good amount of prepositional phrases; my apologies). We tend to get a little punch-drunk during these meetings, and today was no exception.

I’m notoriously bad at forming complete ideas in Creative Team, as well as usually being the one to knock us off topic. I had some vague idea for an activity and when Monte pressed me to be more specific, I said something to the effect of, ‘Can’t the teachers just come up with that part?’ Andy remarked (sarcastically, I might add) that this was a great new idea for a Bible Study, just giving general suggestions. Kinsley christened our new idea ‘Mere Suggestions.’ And we decided to have a blog contest to see who could come up with the best lesson for ‘Mere Suggestions.’”

You can check out Erin’s submission here.

And now, I’m proud to present mine.

Mere Suggestions Bible Study

Lesson 1: Keep Your Hands to Yourself

Biblical Verse: “If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.” – Deuteronomy 25:11-12

Learning Goal: Students will fear getting their hands cut off if they venture below the equator.

Biblical Context: Women are trouble. Everyone knows that. No man wants one grabbing his junk in the middle of a fight. Students need to know, though, that there shouldn’t be any of those shenanigans in any situation. It’s wrong and dirty. Period.

Connect Activity: Tell some horrible stories about what happens to dirty little boys and girls who don’t keep their hands to themselves.

The Key Study: Read the verses and then yell at the group for awhile about keeping their hands to themselves to let them know how serious you are. If anyone raises their hand to ask a question, pull out a machete to make your point. Tell them that somewhere else in the Bible it says something about people with crushed or cut genitalia being forbidden from coming before the Lord.

Transform: Show provocative photos and have the students slap themselves as hard as they can across the face anytime they think a dirty thought. Then pray.

I hope this helps.

I Gotta Feeling

September 14, 2009 in Random, Videos 0

I know this has kinda been floating around some places already, and it pains me to promote anything whatsoever that has to do with Oprah (my archenemy), but this is really cool.

Have a great Monday.

Happy Labor Day 2009

September 7, 2009 in Random 0

Friday Fail

September 4, 2009 in Random, Videos 2

This week totally escaped me. I actually had it all planned out and then… I don’t know… it just didn’t turn out that way.

So, today you’re stuck with just some random goodness.

I hope it’s at least amusing to you.

1. On NPR‘s Marketplace Morning Report today I heard random mention of the gift shop at the CDC (who knew they had one) carrying plush swine flu toys. Sounds ridiculous, right? But it’s true. It’s part of a line called GIANT microbes. Here are a few of my favorite.

Influenza A Virus H1N1 aka Swine Flu

Rhinovirus aka The Common Cold

Penicillium Chrysogenum aka Penicillin

Ebola Virus

Escherichia Coli aka E. Coli

Sarcoptes Scabei aka Mange

toxic-mold Stachybotrys Chartarum aka Toxic Mold

2. This is pretty interesting. A group from Kansas State has plotted the seven sins on maps using per-capita stats.

Here’s one for wrat h based on the number of violent crimes (murder, assault, and rape) per capita. The greenish/goldish color is “saintly.” The reddish/maroonish is “devlish.” The tan falls somewhere in between.

Check out the rest here.

3. Stumbled upon this today. Sometimes I lose hope in the human race.

4. Check this out. Pay particular attention to the kid in the green shirt on the front row, especially during the solo. He is moved by Journey more than any other kid in his generation should be.

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today’s Big Thing.

5. I received the following in the mail yesterday.

I’m super-excited. I’m about a third of the way through already. A full blog review will be forthcoming when it releases later this month. In the meantime you can pre-order a copy here.

Have a good weekend and a great Labor Day, everyone!

| Is My Nemesis

August 27, 2009 in Books, Random, Writing 8

You see that?

That vertical line up there?

The one at the top of this post?

Yeah. That one.

It’s not an “i.”

It’s not even an “it.”

It’s a “he.”

And he’s my nemesis.

“Who is he?” you ask.

Come on. Don’t play dumb. You know him. Take another look.

Still don’t recognize him?

Okay. Imagine that this entire page is blank save him. He’s just sitting there in his spot. And he’s blinking at you… at regular intervals.

He’s quiet, I know… but believe me… he’s taunting you.

Got it yet?

Yes! That’s him.

Cursor (though his name is spelled |).

See how “curse” is even in his name? He’s the Cursor!

Every day… often multiple times a day… I sit at my computer, open a new document, and he’s there. He’s always there. So patient. So persistent. Waiting. Blinking. Mocking me and my lack of creativity, talent or inspiration. If he had a voice, I think he would sound like Steve Buscemi, and he’d chatter to me non-stop while I tried to think of a good idea to write about.

He’s my nemesis for sure.

But he’s not my archenemy. Not at all.

Chuck Klosterman wrote an essay for Esquire that was then republished in his book IV: A Decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas that was entitled “The Importance of Being Hated” (in IV it’s called “Nemesis”). You can read the whole thing here. In it he argues that what ever human needs to succeed in life isn’t really a bunch of friends and lovers, but rather one nemesis and one archenemy. “What’s the difference?” you ask. Well in Klosterman’s own words:

We measure ourselves against our nemeses, and we long to destroy our archenemies.

He says, “Nemeses and archenemies are the catalysts for everything.”

Basically… you don’t really like your nemesis. You don’t get along. But he pushes you on. Your effort to overcome and conquer him drives a lot of what you do. However, in all of this competition and disdain is a certain level of respect and even fondness. After all, your nemesis makes you a better person. Your archenmy on the other hand has no redeeming qualities and should be eliminated at all costs.

Here are some of the examples Klosterman gives.

Person                 Nemesis          Archenemy
Larry Bird               Magic Johnson         Isaiah Thomas
Bill Gates               Steve Jobs               David Boies
Jack White             Jason Stollsteimer   Ryan Adams
George W. Bush      John McCain             Bill Clinton
Hillary Clinton        Barack Obama          Paris Hilton*

Klosterman sums it up pretty nicely like this, “The Joker was Batman’s nemesis, but–ironically–his archenemy was Superman, since Superman made Batman seem entirely mortal and generally nonessential. Nobody likes to admit this, but Batman hated Superman; Superman is the reason Batman became an alcoholic.” (He admits this last statement is speculative)

So, you see? | is most certainly my nemesis, though I have to personify him in order for him to be so. But I’m a writer. That’s part of what I do.

Now, I’m sure you’re wondering how you can identify and distinguish between your own nemesis and archenemy so that you might live a more fulfilling life. Well, thankfully, Klosterman helps us out again…

RECOGNIZING YOUR NEMESIS

At some point in the past, this person was (arguably) your best friend.

You have punched this person in the face.

If invited, you would go to this person’s wedding and give him a spice rack, but you would secretly hope that his marriage ends in a bitter, public divorce.

People who barely know both of you assume you are close friends; people who know both of you intimately suspect that you profoundly dislike each other.

If your archenemy tried to kill you, this person would attempt to stop him.

RECOGNIZING YOUR ARCHENEMY

Every time you talk to this person, you lie.

If you meet someone who has the same first name as this person, you immediately like him less.

The satisfaction you feel from your own success pales in comparison to the despair you feel at this person’s triumphs, even if those triumphs are completely unrelated to your life.

If this person slept with your girlfriend, she would never be attractive to you again.

Even if this person’s girlfriend was a hateful @#$%&, you would sleep with her out of spite. (I’ll admit this is a bit strong.)

I hope this post has been both insightful and helpful.

As far as who is my archenemy… well, wouldn’t you like to know.

Nope. I’m not telling.

Okay, okay. You wore me down.

It’s Oprah.

*This one is my own and might require some thought.

The Folly of (Trying to Retain Our) Youth

August 26, 2009 in For Real, Let's Be Honest, Random 3

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

1 Corinthians 13:11

Yesterday I was on Facebook (as I’m often am during the day, especially when procrastinating the actual things I need to do; I have a real problem) and realized that out of the 12 items in my highlight feed (you know; the one over on the right) 8 of them featured kids under the age of six. Each of the kids featured belong to friends of mine. I’m sure that in their highlight feed some item featuring the Storykins pops up pretty regularly (especially if they’re also friends with Liza). Anyway, a year ago my highlight feed would most certainly not have featured so many items about children.

Also the other day I began having a bit of a health issue. I won’t go in to details about it, at least not yet, because right now I don’t know that it is anything. But it made me immediately progress down the line of thought to where I pictured myself being wheeled around in a wheelchair hooked up to various tubes and bags.

My back hurts. Regularly. So does my left elbow.

I’ve been losing my hair for awhile now but it’s only recently that I realized it was past the point of no return. There is no amount of therapy that can help. My hair has simply given up on life. It’s sad to watch, really.

I was reading someone’s blog last night who was named one of the top 30 people under 30 in her city. I thought, “I can never be named one of the top 30 under 30 anymore.”

All of this (and some other stuff) made me feel very… not old… but… grown up, I guess. Like for years being “grown up” is this ethereal phase of life that’s out there and that you want to achieve but never really see coming. That is until… BOOM! POW!! ZAP!!! It’s happened. And when I had that thought… “I guess this is it… I’m grown up… I don’t necessarily feel grown up… is this what grown up really is… or did I blow it somehow… (sigh)…” I realized that “grown up” definitely now had a negative connotation for me. No longer was it something to be looked forward to, to strive for and achieve. It had now become something to be mourned.

Or is it?

Late last week I was having a conversation with some friends in which the phrase “junior high sucks” was uttered. And we were all like, “Yeah! Junior high does suck.” And we sat around for awhile telling embarrassing stories from our own junior high experiences and laughing about how much it sucked.

Now, I know that some of you work with junior high students in schools or churches and that you love them and think the world of them and don’t want to work with anyone else. I get that, completely. Notice that I am not saying “junior highers suck” because they don’t. But junior high? It most certainly does. Even those junior highers (or middle schoolers) you know who love life and everything about it right now will one day look back and realize that junior high actually, in all reality, kinda sucked (at least a little bit).

So, I was lying awake thinking last night (as I’m prone to do) and realized that though I’m “grown up” I guess. I’ve still got a lot of growing to do, and, from my perspective, I definitely consider that a good thing. Not only that, but I love where I am right now. Not everything about my life is how I expected it to be or would possibly even want it to be, but if my parts of my life weren’t as they are now, would the others be. To put it differently, would I have to lose the parts of my current life I want to keep in order to alter the ones I want to change?

Besides, junior high sucked (well, I didn’t go to junior high; I attended a middle school; but middle school sucked; so did ninth grade; so, yeah, junior high sucked). High school, in a lot of ways, sucked. College was okay, but school was still involved, so that gains it at least a few notches on the suck-0-meter. Now, I make my own decisions and live my own life. Nothing is laid out for me if I don’t want it to be (at least not so much as it might be pre-ordained by God). I sure don’t get it right all the time (as many of you can attest to), but I own it.

Why would I want it any different?

If I did, I’d be like those people the writer of Hebrews is addressing. You know the ones… they want to stay on milk ’cause it’s easy instead of putting in the effort and work to move on and embrace solid food (it’s a metaphor for the Word of God; check it out in Hebrews 5-6).

And I hate milk!

Milk and Muffin

August 24, 2009 in Random 1

Stumbled upon this recently and thought it was worth sharing.

Can’t you relate?

I know I sure can.

Hope you’re Monday’s a good start to a week that only progressively gets better.

And if not, that you at least enjoy its diversity.

Behold the Dreamer Cometh

August 18, 2009 in Church, Random, Videos 1

Hey, all you creatives* out there. Check this out.

It’s from the Willow Creek Arts Conference.

It can feel a little pretentious and the “movement” isn’t always that great, but the message is good.

BEHOLD THE DREAMER COMETH from blaine hogan on Vimeo.

*I think everyone is creative. Some embrace it more than others. Some believe in it more than others. Some cultivate it more than others. But we all have it, at least a little bit.