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Faith Is What You Do

October 15, 2008 in Books, Ideas, Questions 1

Some of you know that I attended the Catalyst Conference in Atlanta last week. It was pretty good. I’ve been going for the past four or five years and enjoy it every time. A few of us from the creative team at Student Life usually get to go because of how good the production is. But, it’s a leadership conference. So we end up talking much more about the leadership principles espoused than how they use the LED cylinder. I think this is great since we’re often not the ones really looked to for leadership. After all, I don’t any of the 21 Irrefutable Fundamentals of Teamwork and Leadership Through Micromanaging Your Flock memorized..

One of the best sessions to me was on Thursday afternoon when Seth Godin spoke. Some of you may know Godin as the author of Purple Cow, Permission Marketing, Free Prize Inside or The Dip. He’s a big dog in the world of business, writes the most read business blog in the world, and has nine (that’s right, count ‘em, nine) bestsellers. I don’t think he’s a believer either, but what he had to say was great. He obviously knew who his audience was and catered his talk to us. His presentation was fantastic and engaging as well. He also gave a copy of his latest book, Tribes, to everyone in attendance. That’s almost 13,000 copies. Remember those nine bestsellers? Yeah. He’s not worried about it.

Anyway, I’ve been reading through the book lately, and I’m really into it. I stumbled across a passage the other night that I liked and wanted to share with you.

If religion comprises rules you follow, faith is demonstrated by the actions you take.

When you lead without compensations, when you sacrifice without guarantees, when you take risks because you believe, then you are demonstrating your faith in the tribe and its mission.

Of course it’s difficult. But leaders will tell you that it’s worth it.

Thoughts?

Scrutiny and Responsibility

April 1, 2008 in Books, Ministry, Student Life, Writing 1

I just wrote a sentence and then immediately erased it. Let me explain why. First, here is the sentence:

“I want to have a wider audience.”

That statement is prideful, narrow-minded, short-sighted and ridiculous. Here’s why. I work for a great organization. God has chosen to bless Student Life and its ministry for many years. Even in moments of trials for us or where we might wonder if we have any idea where we are going or what we are doing, God has been faithful to continue us as a tool to further His kingdom. We will host something like maybe 80,000 students total at our events this year (I’m actually not real sure what the estimate is) and then we have a few thousand churches using our Bible study. We, as a general, non-written rule, don’t really like to talk about numbers outside the walls of our building, but here’s why I mention them. I have been personally blessed to have the opportunity to have my hands in almost everything we do around here. For that reason, I have a pretty big audience.

So, what do I mean when I almost make a statement like “I want to have a wider audience.” I mean a few different things, some of them noble, some of them not.

1. I want to have a more diverse audience. Our audience is almost chiefly from the United States. It is also largely made up of upper middle class, suburban, white kids. I have complained about that before, but I have found that to be fruitless. There’s nothing wrong with that fact. There are just times that I hope to be able to expand that scope.

2. I want my current audience to grow. I want to be able to reach more people, pure and simple. You question whether my motives for wanting that are all good, but I assure you most of them are.

3. The vast majority of “my” current audience has no idea who I am. So, when I say “I want to have a wider audience,” I mean that I want to have an audience that recognizes what I have to say. Now, some of my motives for wanting that are certainly prideful, but others are not. I believe God has purposed some messages in me to deliver. I want to be a good steward of that.

4. I want to have an audience that is more easily connected. The audience at Student Life is made up of youth groups. Members of youth groups are connected to other members of their particular group yet are rarely connected to members of other youth groups, at least not in very meaningful ways with regards to the content we present. However, people who all like John Piper or Brennan Manning or Passion or Hillsong United inherently have something in common that unites them to each other. They speak a common language and often do so. For some reason, that is not as readily apparent in our current audience. It might be true amongst some of the youth ministers and even fewer of the students, but it is definitely the exception and not the rule.

5. I want to have an audience that’s not so Baptist. I carry a lot of baggage about the Baptists (the Southern flavor), and some of it I should just get over. But, man, I get tired of all the Baptist stuff. Other denominations certainly don’t have their act together either, and I’m definitely not favoring one over another. What I do want, I guess, is a more equal opportunity audience where groups are challenging each other rather than one frame of thought dominating the conversation. Within Student Life I think we have that at times. Our audience just doesn’t always reflect that.

So, I want to have a wider audience but I also recognize that’s a ridiculous thing to say. However, in order to begin trying to accomplish that and to just present new challenges to myself and broaden my horizons a little bit, I’ve written a book. I should say Student Life has been gracious enough to allow me to write a book they will publish. It’s a small devotional book, part of a line we’re going to start producing called 31 Verses Every Student Should Know About… Mine is on the Way, our camp theme, and, incidentally, what the movement of Christ was initially called in the book of Acts.

This isn’t the type of book I always dreamt and envisioned myself writing, but it’s a start. And I’ve actually really enjoyed doing it. And I’m kinda proud of it.

And, yes, my name will be on it, which means I’ll get some credit (though I certainly don’t deserve all of it). For this reason, I recognize that I am opening myself up to more scrutiny. People want certain things out of their outspoken Christian brethren. In fact, many times, they can demand perfection. Now, you all know that I am certainly anything but perfect. However, I want to accept this responsibility, the responsibility of trying to reach a wider audience. I want to embark on this next stage of my life (because for some reason I feel like this is somewhat of a turning point for me; whether or not I’m correct is yet to be seen) and live up to as many expectations as I can.

For this reason I will no longer use symbols like “@#$%” to express my frustration or the words they stand for unless absolutely necessary, and then, I will probably delete them out of guilt, like I have done below.

Dispatch from Random Land

December 13, 2005 in Books, Church, Conviction, Friends, Health, Random, xanga 13

No.  I haven’t quit.  And thanks for all the encouragement to post.  November only got two posts.  How sad!

Why have I not been posting?  That’s a great question.

Is it because I haven’t had anything to say?  Perhaps.  If you know me at all, you know that I have actually had much to say, just not the energy to say it.  So, I will post now under headings with condensed versrions of things that I might have said in longer sentences and paragraphs but did not.  For that, children, you can be grateful.

Now, where to begin?…

Xanga
There has been much discussion about the merits of Xanga lately and whether or not it is a waste.  I believe this to be an example of the apathy that plagues so many of us.  This is just one more thing to care about for awhile and then stop.  At least it’s not something vital to life like eating, breathing, or romance.  Plus, I swore to myself that I wrote here for me before anyone else.  Therefore I will try to continue.

Depression
I’m a statistic.  One of the holiday depressed though I don’t think it has much to do with the holidays.  I’ve relayed before about my tendency to go balls-to-the-wall and get so consumed with things that I don’t see the big picture or the forest for the trees or however you want to say it.  I’m currently trying to step back and examine my life rationally so that I might get a grip on it. 
    Recently I had an imaginary counseling session with myself.  I went to myself for counseling except the counselor me was a middle aged lady with glasses who was a very good listener.  I started the session by telling her (the counselor me) all the things that were wrong with me so that she wouldn’t have to diagnose them but could simply move on to treatment (that would hopefully include some drugs; if only I were a psychiatrist).  One of the things I discussed with her was that I have a 156 IQ and am extremely adept at both logical anaylisis and creative artistic expression.  Also, I’m of Irish and English decent.  Therefore, God designed me for inner conflict.  No wonder I go through bouts of being an absolute mess.

Supper Club
The simple answer to why I resigned from my presidency is that the Supper Club outgrew me.  This is no one’s fault or responsibility.  Nor should it be looked at as something negative at all.  My time is up and it has become something else, better suited to those who currently participate in it.  Cheers.

Friends
I love and value the ones that I have.  I also long for others.  How can you be surrounded by people you like and appreciate and yet still be lonely?

Narnia
Saw the movie.  Liked it.  Overall, I think it’s okay.  It’s not great.  Don’t lie to yourself.  Some of the bluescreen or greenscreen or whatever looks ridiculous.  I wish Aslan did not make me picture Liam Neeson.  I wish his voice was someone I did not know.  However, I saw it with a theater full of little kids with their parents.  They loved it.  That’s encouraging.  Perhaps they’ll improve a lot of things before I see Reepicheep come to life.  In the meantime, my imagination provides a much better interpretation than Andrew Adamson.

Christmas Cards
I couldn’t take the pressure this year.  Ask Liza.  I basically had a panic attack trying to come up with a Christmas card to top last years.  I couldn’t think of anything funny and thought I might make one that actually said something.  Liza vetoed it for good reason. 
    I had a picture of the card here. But I’ve taken it off for fear of it offending others. It has a beautiful painting of a Madonna and Child on it. However, Liza vetoed it, again for good reason, because in the painting Mary has a bare breast, thought certainly not in a perverse sense. It also featured a Buechner quote. So, I’ll just write about the quote later and if you want to see the card you can email me or leave a comment about it.

Christian Community
The Church vs. a church.
    During my years at Mississippi College it was absolutely essential that you attend the BSU (Bapstist Student Union; some of you know it as BSM).  You were nobody if you didn’t.  At least you were a pagan or backslider.  I’m pretty sure some of
the leaders of the BSU gave little thought to God on a daily basis but that is neither here nor there.   I was an active and faithful member of the BSU my entire Freshman year.  I found my job at FBC Jackson through BSU.  I performed on the BSU drama team, Cross Section.  I applied to go on summer missions through the BSU (though I didn’t because I lost my scholarship and therefore took some classes at the community college during the summer to help my GPA; stupid grades).  When I returned for my sophomore year, our BSU director and asst. director had both left for church jobs. 
The BSU went through an upheaval and had no real leadership and it was frustrating and I was misrepresented and mistreated personally by BSU leadership.  One night during Gathering (that’s what we called our weekly meetings) I remember being so fed up and frustrated and distracted that I prayed for God to please calm my spirit and ease my anxieties because if He didn’t, I couldn’t worship Him at that moment because none of my thoughts were about Him.  I walked out of Gathering and never went back.  I feel like that right now.

Anne Lamott
I’m really into reading about different people’s faith journeys.  Anne Lamott’s account of hers in Traveling Mercies has become one of my favorite.  It is shocking, reassuring, inspiring, encouraging, agrivating, enraging, pathetic, incredible, reverant, irreverant, immoral, moral, loving, judgemental, liberal, honest, illustrative, sad, joyful, reflective, and hopeful.  Thare are many more adjectives to describe it, but those are a good starting point.

Student Life
Boone rehearsals start Monday.  Tour is coming up.  I haven’t hardly thought about camp.  My attitude continues.  I’ve never loved something so much that drove me as crazy as this does.  I must be smack dab in the middle of God’s will for my life.

Health
I’m overweight (in case you couldn’t tell) and have given serious thought to developing an eating disorder as a means of dealing with that fact.  Trust me, I don’t say that to be funny or glib.  I’m serious, which tells you how ridiculous I can be when I can’t sleep
at night.
    I still have a knot in my side that needs to be cut out.  However, I’ve become rather attached to him.  I’ve named him Barry.  Our parting will be extremely sorrowful, though will lower the risks of him becoming something threatening.
    I still need a root canal.  I broke off another part of my tooth last night eating chips and Razzy Lime Salsa.  It spiked my fever.  Who knew?

Happy Holidays
This is an inclusive phrase.  Since the holiday season begins now pre-Halloween and runs until after the new year, this phrase seems appropriate.  It includes many holidays, nearly all of which I celebrate.  In fact, though I don’t celebrate Channukah, I could.  It’s a great story of God’s miraculous power and provision for His people.  What a great story to remember and celebrate.  In fact, I think I would celebrate it, except that Christmas is probably an even better example of God’s miraculous power and provision for His people.  However, I shouldn’t be surprised for a secular society and culture to want to adopt “Happy Holidays” rather than “Merry Christmas.”  Even if they do so out of malicious intent.  John records Jesus saying, “If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.”  My reaction to the world can be combative or can reveal just what is so merry about Christmas.

School
I miss it.  There.  I said it.

Pascagoula
This is where the squirrel went bezerk if you’re a Ray Steven’s fan.  It is also the hometown of Senator Trent Lott of Mississippi and one of the areas affected by Hurricane Katrina.  A few of us from Student Life went down there this past weekend to help one of our youth ministers, who is actually now an associate pastor, begin getting his house back into some sort of habitable state.  Fourteen total people went from Student Life.  Actually, thirteen, because Amy Harlan went and she’d technically not on the payroll yet.  I wish more would have gone.  This was the plan.  Katrina hit just before our annual staff retreat at the beginning of September when we usually go to the beach.  At that time, I wondered if we should go to the beach.  At least I should go deep sea fishing and should give that money I would spend on that to relief efforts.  But we did go to the beach.  And I did go deep sea fishing.  We helped lead out in establishing a relief station here at the Church at Brook Hills.  I even volunteered there on night and met some incredible people from New Orleans.  But this was different.  I don’t say all this to make anyone feel guilty.  I hate that.  I’ll admit I didn’t even really want to go.  I kept thinking about backing out because of everything that needs to be done here and I hate people making me feel guilty about that.  Like when the group came back from Tanzania last year and made me feel like they thought that I had no understanding that there was poverty in the world because I had not been to Africa.  Screw that.  The point is that this was one guy’s story that I got to be a part of for a few days.  These stories are going on all the time.  Not usually on such a large scale with worldwide attentnion like the hurricanes or the tsunami or AIDS in Africa or the shortage of clean water or the conflicts in the Middle East.  But they’re everywhere.  Right now.  And I should be doing something about it.  We should be.  To quote Izzy from Grey’s Anatomy, “because it’s what Jesus would freaking do!”

My List of Things I want to Accomplish During This Next Season
0 for 10 and counting.

Holla.

A.A.

November 9, 2005 in Books, Church, xanga 8

It’s definitely been awhile.  So, brace yourself for a post of some length.  Sorry.  I’ll try somewhat to restrain myself.  I’ll start with bullet points.

  • Go visit my friend John Mark‘s site.  His post is all about me, and I’m awesome (please hear the sarcasm).  He’s not bad himself and has cute kids and a cool wife.
  • Our Jack o’ Lantern from the previous post won second place in a contest.  $50 gift certificate, here I come!
  • Saw Shopgirl and loved it.  Check out Hannah‘s and Nate‘s reviews.
  • Started reading The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard.  I’ve never read Willard, but a lot of the guys I do read have read Willard.  For some reason I pictured him with a fluffy beard and frizzy ‘fro and a twinkle in his eye with a sly grin.  I was not prepared for the book jacket.  He looks like a Southern Baptist preacher.  Book is great though, but not one you fly through.
  • Student loans are the bane of my existence.
  • So is the youth camp set design.
  • Liza’s having an open house this weekend and some of her family is coming to visit.  So, if you’re doing something on Saturday and would like some company, let me know.
  • St. Rob needed a book reference for Wishful Thinking.  I couldn’t find Ronnie’s copy so I went to purchase one because I wanted one for myself.  I discovered that it was first in a trilogy.  So, I bought the second one entitled Whistling in the Dark: a Doubter’s Dictionary.  You know what that means?
  • MORE BUECHNER QUOTES!

I heard those moans and groans.  And I understand.  I would like to assure you that I have learned from my previous Buechner posts (see Aug. 22 & 26) and will simply present them here one at a time.  this will work much better because they are longer than in Wishful Thinking.  Also, I have heard it remarked that some people weren’t sure they agreed with all of his quotes I put on here previously and if I agreed with them as well.  Let me say that he and I don’t always agree, but I do like the way he says things and appreciate what he has to say as well.  If nothing else they are though provoking.  So after I share a quote I will then share my own thoughts.

Now, without further ado, the first quote:

Alcoholics Anonymous
    … A.A. is the name of a group of men and women who acknowledge that addiction to alcohol is ruining their lives.  Their purpose in coming together is to give it up and help others do the same.  They realize they can’t pull this off by themselves.  They believe they need each other, and they believe they need God.  The ones who aren’t so sure about God speak instead of their Higher Power.
    When they first start talking at a meeting, they introduce themselves by saying, “I am John.  I am an alcoholic,” “I am Mary.  I am an alcoholic, ” to which the rest of the group answers each time in unison, “Hi, John, ” “Hi, Mary.”  They are apt to end with the Lord’s Prayer or the Serenity Prayer.  Apart from that they have no ritual.  They have no hierarchy.  They have no dues or budget.  They do not advertise or proselytize.  Having no buildings of their own, they meet wherever they can.
    Nobody lectures them, and they do not lecture each other.  They simply tell their own stories with the candor that anonymity makes possible.  They tell where they went wrong and how day by day they are trying to go right.  They tell where they find the strength and understanding and hope to keep trying.  Sometimes one of them will take special responsibility for another…  There’s not much more to it than that, and it seems to be enough.  Healing happens.  Miracles are made.
    You can’t help thinking that something like this is what the Church is mean to be and maybe once was before it got to be Big Business.  Sinners Anonymous.  “I can will what is right but I cannot do it, “is the way Saint Paul put it, speaking for all of us.  “For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do” (Romans 7:19).
    “I am me.  I am a sinner.”
    “Hi, you.”
    …  No matter what far place alcoholics end up in… they know that there will be an A.A. meeting nearby to go to and that at that meeting they will find strangers who are not strangers to help and to heal, to listen to the truth and to tell it.  That is what the Body of Christ is all about.
    Would it ever occur to Christians in a far place to turn to a Church nearby in hope of finding the same?  Would they find it?  If not, you wonder what is so Big about the Church’s Business.

I feel like I have beat up on churches a little bit, so I will refrain from doing so here.  Instead, I’d like to comment a bit on A.A.

I’ve been fascinated with A.A. for a number of reasons.  There are twelve steps in the program.  You can look them all up online for yourself.  However, there are three that have always troubled me.  They are as follows:

8.      Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9.      Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10.    Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Why are these troubling to me?  Simple.  I don’t know if I can do them.  I’ve tried before and am not very successful.  Blame it on pride or guilt or shame or anxiety or fear or whatever.  I can’t always seem to get those things out.  I want to.  I have a long list.  And I’m learning more and more that I need to.  It’s important.

I’m sorry for not showing Erin Sterling the doorway of Christ and instead making him a barrier by telling her that if she didn’t stick to my view of Christianity then she was going to hell.  I’m sorry for ditching Josh Miller and Randy Rossie and Susan Rigby and Anne and Erica and Chuck and Aubre and everybody else just because I couldn’t reconcile being friends with those who didn’t live like I thought they should.  I’m sorry for betraying Stephanie Easley the minute Melissa Parker said she wanted to go to prom with me.  I’m sorry for not being a good roommate to Wes Tankersley and Kyle Thompson.  I’m sorry for not working harder in school.  I’m sorry not talking more about Jesus.  I’m sorry to every girl I’ve ever dated or even gone out with because none of them went very well.  But I’m sorry especially to Ami, Joy and  Monika for all the manipulation and disrespect.  I’m sorry for not listening to Craig.  I’m sorry for being stubborn and depressed and moody all the time.  I’m sorry for fighting with my parents.  I’m sorry for not appreciating those true friends I have.  I’m sorry I’m not as good as I want to be or as talented as I want to be or as successful as I want to be or as honest as I want to be or as open as I want to be.

This doesn’t complete those steps, but at least it is a step in and of itself.

I am Chris.  I am a sinner.

A New Kind of Chris

October 26, 2005 in Books, Conviction, Let's Be Honest, xanga 5

I finished A New Kind of Christian last night.  Typically, when I’m having a conversation with a person and I discover they have recently read/watched/visited something, I often ask one of two questions: “Did you like it?” (implying my interest in whether or not I might like it) or “What did you think?” (implying I have already formed some sort of opinion whether or not I have read/watched/visited this thing for myself.  I have answers for both these questions.  Sort of.  And I will attempt to give them here.  But first, a moment of confession…

This isn’t a big confession, but is one none-the-less.  As I read this book I found myself thinking, “thank you, God.”  The reason for this is that I found a book speaking to me exactly where I am, dealing with many of the exact same questions.  I could feel myself sigh as I read, relaxing a bit, because someone out there had thought some of the same things.  However, this also made me worried.  Because, I realize how easy it is to not have our own ideas but adopt those of others.  I found myself wondering if I talked about things I think about with other people, as I have been trying to do, if they would just think, “oh, Kinsley, you’ve just been reading too much McClaren.”  I worry about this because I have been accused of this very thing with regard to Brennan Manning when the truth is that I enjoy Manning because it spoke to where I was when I read him.  That and I have found him to be the same personally as he is in his books.  But why do I feel such a need to make sure you all don’t think I’m just jumping on a bandwagon or accusing me of being trendy?  There I go again looking for some of my identity in the approval of others.  Boo!

Anyway…

Did I like A New Kind of Christian?  There is no simple answer here.  I obviously resonated with parts of it.  I found it encouraging.  McClaren wrote it as a work of fiction, though I’m not sure that was the best way to do it.  He’s not very good at that.   So, I didn’t “like” it as a novel.  I also didn’t “like” it because if he’s right (which is a terrible way to think about it) then this is a very exciting and extremely terrifying time to be a Christian as the model/worldview/approach/practice changes into something new.  But that’s the same reason I did “like” it.  It is somewhat new.

Another moment of confession…  I shared the other day at lunch with Drew, Ronnie and Rick that my greatest fear is that God is going to do something great during my lifetime, and I’m going to miss out.  Is this it?  I don’t know, but that’s not the point.  Because this is a fear of mine, it is a prime entry point for Evil to get to me, to make me question, doubt, or worse yet, subscribe to something completely not of God.  I have to hope and pray that God hears my sincerity and trust that He’ll work it out better than I can anyway.  Besides, if the Holy spirit is fulfilling His role in my life, then I have the Helper with me who is guiding and convicitng me all along.  I share this because Ronnie remarked that this fear might be every Christian’s greatest fear.  I’m not sure because I’m not sure that many of us think about things along those terms.  But if it is, be careful.

I also found help with this from a sermon I heard Fred Craddock give one time.  He talked about when he was a young Christian and minister that he thought he would get to be a martyr one day, give his all for God in the most dramatic way possible.  However, this never came to pass.  He realized that, if our lives is worth, say, $1 million, then some people get to write one large check to God (this is obviously a crude metaphor).  Others, though, like Craddock himself, write $.79 here, $1.16 there, and so on.  Perhaps, it is the same for us.

Now, what do I think about A New Kind of Christian?  I don’t have time and you don’t want to read it.  I think that McClaren is asking good questions.  I think he walks a fine line in the parts where he discusses universalism, inclusivism, exclusivism and pluralism/relativism.  I’m not sure he doesn’t lean too far one way.  I think he might only give lip service to not wanting to create another opportunity for in-grouping and out-grouping, when in fact, he does so with those who will move to postmodern Christianity and those who are too stuck in modernity.  There we go with labels again.  I think we could be friends if we met.  I think I have a lot to think about.

I told Liza awhile back that I really want to start listening to the Holy Spirit.  I think this is wrapped up in my getting to know Jesus.  However, because of my struggles mentally and emotionally, I’m scared I will literally go insane and listen to voices in my head and such (don’t you all hear voices too?) and that it could be another avenue for me to be led astray.  I’m encouraged by this, though, becuase Evil at least has enough interest in me.  I think if I weren’t along the right path I might get left alone.  But that’s probably faulty.  I don’t know.

Thanks for the comments.  You guys are helping.  Sincerely, thank you.

Label Maker

October 20, 2005 in Books, Church, Conviction, Friends, Movies, Random, Writing, xanga 16

Sarah Mac sent me one of the funniest videos I have ever seen.  However, I can’t figure out how to get it on my site.  So, if you wanna see it, you’ll have to contact one of us to get it.

In other news, this post promises to be long but still on the same lines of stuff I’ve been thinking about with a few other things thrown in.

I’ve picked up A New Kind of Christian again.  I never got completely through it the first time I tried to read it awhile back.  The reason is that I was probably sick of hearing the term post-modern.  But I’ll get to more on that in a moment.

First, here is a picture of the first bloom of the first plant I planted at our house.

Pretty cool, huh?  It’s called a Texas Star.  I will accept no boasting about this from any of you Texans.  I do not believe the splendor of this flower is linked to it being named after your ego-bloated state.  Of course, I’m from Mississippi and live in Alabama so maybe I’m just jealous (though unlikely).

Now, I’m about to get back to the whole “me being sick of hearing about post-modernism” in a second, but first let me give this disclaimer:  I realize that many times my posts can get kinda long.  That it is an act of ego for me to ask you to read that.  However, my hope is that I might find companions along this journey.  In no way are my thoughts here really fully fleshed out.  I write on this site and get my thoughts out in other arenas so that I can work through them.  In a counseling session once, my counselor made me write all I was involved in and worried about on a chalkboard.  He then made me spend most of the session standing with my nose against the chalkboard to illustrate my approach to life.  Excuse the term, but often I am “balls to the wall.”  I have to slow down and step back in order to get the big picture of things.  Xanga helps with this.  So, there you go.  I could tell you about how I made the comment Sunday morning in RBF about why do we get up in arms at the suggestion that Mary Magdalene did what women have been doing for millenia and had a child by Christ.  Of course, I don’t believe this happened, but in the context this thought was not completely fleshed out and I’m sure I left a couple of people at least wondering what I do think on the subject.  (If you want me on the record, you’ll have to ask me in person so I can fully explain myself).  Disclaimer ended.

Post-modern is a label.  We’re given many labels my many people.  We’ve been talking about this around Student Life because of a creative opener we’re planning for the conferene tour.  I was also thinking about this with regard to a monologue I was writing recently for a curriculum lesson.  Recently, some of the labels I have been given or that have been discussed about me are as follows: 1. Introverted intuitive thinking perceiver  2.  Liberal  3. Sensitive  4. Cool  5. Pompous  6. Out of shape  7. Creative  8. Good  9. Hard  10. Stressed.  And the list continues.

Now the question arises, “do I fit those labels?”  Perhaps I do.  In fact, probably most certain I do.  This may surprise you, particularly the “liberal” part.  But the truth is that in some situations on some issues (political or theological) it could be said that I’m liberal.  However, therein lies the actuality.  That part you read that said “in some situations.”  Actually, there are times where I defy all of these labels, even that one you get from a personality test.  But labeling is very important to us.  It helps us categorize everyone and everything as well as ourselves.  It puts our world in order so we know how to respond to it and how to live in it.  But when we get honest with ourselves, we realize just how disorderly it really is.  So, it all boils down to labeling simply being comfortable to us, a security blanket in the cold, dark nights of the soul.

I mentioned that monologue I was writing.  I wrote it for a lesson on Elijah, where he flees the wrath of the king and God has to provide for him while he’s out on his own.  The lesson is about how even when we’re alone God is always with us.  I thought it would help portray the idea if we didn’t produce a sketch for the lesson, but rather made it one person on stage, talking all by themselves.  This turned very personal for me, because with regard to where I am in my journey (spiritual journey?  yes, i realize that any journey I’m on has to be spiritual because I am completely and wholly affected by the spiritual) I often am lonely.  Many of you probably suppose that isn’t fair.  After all, I have a wife, a life-long companion.  I have a job I think I’m good at where I work with people that are much more than co-workers and are actual friends.  I have a community of faith that, regardless of how much I struggle with it, is God’s plan for His kingdom on Earth.  It seems at least that I have a real relationship with God because of how much I think, write, and talk about it.

All this is true, absolutely.  But I find it difficult to discuss this.  Again, that’s why I write it here.  Who really wants to listen?  I’ve always felt different, but if I’m honest, not good different, like innovative or something.  But bad different, odd, strange, queer (not gay).  I worry that if I talk to people or seek help for the stuff that I actually do spend the majority of my time thinking about, they’ll get sick of me.  “Oh, Kinsley, man, he’s too worried about it.  He takes everything too seriously.  He’s too spriritual.  He’s too much of a seeker.  He’s too much of a doubter.  He’s immature in his faith.”  Etc.

So, I don’t.  Talk about it I mean.  I kinda talk about it here and maybe to a few individuals.  Kinda hint at it, I guess, is more like it.

I was thinking lately about this problem, because for me it has defninitely become a problem.  I’d like a solution, a community of people not like minded, unless that mind is of Christ, but who will talk, and listen, and help.  Ideally, I say I’d like it to be like what I imagine they had in the first century, right after Christ ascended.  But the truth is I have to imagine that because I’m not even sure what it is.  None of us are.  We’re too far removed and we’ve interpreted everything through our own lenses, or worldviews or experiences.  They (those early Christians) didn’t leave us that much about it specifically.  We got some hints and some offices from Paul that might help organize the church (interestingly, though, how many of those offices exist in your church?) and he wrote to some churches to tell them some stuff to avoid and to love each other and stuff.  They didn’t seem to be so concerned about it.  Why?  Because Jesus said he was coming back.  That’s what they focused on.  So, here we are with completely different focuses just floundering around.  But, believe me, I don’t have any answers, so some say I should just shut up.

This brings me to my book.  It’s working title is He Had a Face.  This title comes from something that happened to me in college.  There was a class we Christian Studies majors had to take called “The Teachings of Jesus.”  Jokingly students said that Jesus himself couldn’t pass the class.  It was taught by a professor named Dr. Greene who preferred being called “Big G” though I never could.  He was too intimidating.  He was a professor who actually expected more out of us than we did out of ourselves.  I walked in to “Teachings” on the first day of class and took my customary seat on the side, in the back, near one of the doors.  Dr. Greene came in, turned off the lights, pulled down a white screen, and turned on a slide projector.  He then went through numerous slides depicting Jesus in various forms of art from various regions and various time periods.  He would pause for a number of seconds on each slide and simply make the statement, “he had a face.”

I was at a conference with Brennan Manning a few years back.  He asked us to, as a spiritual exercise, picture Jesus for a moment and our interaction with him, literally.  What does he say to us?  What do we say to him?  This was to give us insight into how we perceived him more than get us in touch with him personally.  I realized that my “Jesus” had a body and long hair and wore a robe and everything, but I could never see his face.  It was always obscured in shadow.  I might get the vague feeling that he was smiling or looking at me or whatever, but I never knew for sure because I couldn’t see his face.  My mind wouldn’t let me give him one, whether it be Jewish, Anglo, or American.  I couldn’t do it because I don’t know what he looked (looks) like.  It just seemed inappropriate for me to randomly assign a face to him.  But most of us do it all the time.

He had a face.  He did.  According to my theology and faith, he still does.  I know people who have claimed to have seen it, which is great for them.  What this idea tells me though, is that ever since he walked this earth, we’ve been interpreting Jesus for ourselves through ourselves.  Our art is a reflection of that.  But he is real and exists.  He’s saved me and loves me and walks with me.  He’s sent his spirit to me as another helper, like him.  He reflects the father to me.  But who is he? 

I realize the last thing the world needs is another book on Jesus.  Why not just read the Gospels for the rest of your life?  No, really, why not?  That’s why this “book” will probably never exist for anyone except me.  It’s my journey and I want to know him, not anyone’s idea of him.  I would much rather you know him too, instead of my idea of him.  Somewhere, in the midst of the Gospel writers’ idea of him and Paul’s idea of him and our own experience of him, back behind all that and motivating all that and inspiring all that is Jesus.  If they got it right, he’s under our noses, dying, literally, to be known by us.  If they got it right, also, he intends for us to help each other along the way.  Won’t you help me.  I need it.

On a side note, for all of you who will be supporting the Narnia movie this December while condemning Harry Potter, you might want to consider that Lewis has said Narnia is not an allegory, it is rather a supposing.  Also, he started it with an image of a fawn walking through the snow in the light of a street light in the forest carrying a stack of books and an umbrella.  That’s an image he had since he was a child.  That began the project, not the intention to illustrate the Gospel for children, or us for that matter.  It’s more a testimony to the Holy Spirit’s work in his life that it does.  Funny, how Harry Potter might could be used for the same thing, if only we were willing to think about it.

Go ahead.  Call me a liberal.

Blue Like Jeans

September 17, 2005 in Books, God, Random, xanga 3

That’s right.  I’m currently reading Blue Like Jazz.  I have said that I was going to read it for some time now, so I am.  I bought it yesterday and am almost finished with it, so a full review is forthcoming.  Initially, do I like it?  Yes.  Miller is witty and enjoyable, except for where he prints a monologue from a play he has written (or was writing).   Then, he’s pompous and pretentious.  But it was a play after all.  And for those of you who believe I am behind in just now reading Miller, know that I read his new book Through Painted Deserts when it was first published under the title Prayer and the Art of Volkswagen Maintenance (and yes, I did read it simply because it had a picture of a VW van on the cover; and yes the title is a rip-off of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance).  Kudos to those of you who knew he even had a book out before Blue Like Jazz.  Kudos to Miller for jumping on the reprint bandwagon.

In other news: Nate hit me with what might be the most pointed comment I have ever received in response to a Xanga post.  With regard to my last little writing he comments, “I think posting here requires a certain amount of ego. Your putting your thoughts out there for people to read. Your not taking thier money but you are still asking us to read your thoughts and opinions.”  And he’s right, though I think I would like to deny that he is and say that I write here for myself.  That’s a lie.  In truth Xanga has often served to boost my self-esteem.  Though I do earnestly want to write for some greater purpose.

However, in an act of ego, I will now subject you, my loyal readers, to a post about my blue jeans.

I am a blue jeans kind of guy.  I love them and always have.  Though I have long outgrown my denim short phase, I still have a great affinity for the blue jean.  My blue jeans of choice?  Old Navy Vintage Washed Boot Cut.  I have a pair on as I write this.  In fact, I own about five or six pairs of jeans, but in actuality I wear only one. 

I have owned them since college, which means I have been married to these jeans longer than my wife.  I wear them nearly every day for some period of time.  Liza thinks it is ridiculous that if I am out of bed, I have a need to be fully dressed, and that most often involves putting on this one particular pair of jeans.  After a while, I wore a hole in the crotch.  This is a most inconvenient place to have a hole.  A hole in the crotch is not fashionable, cool, or trendy.  It is creepy and shady.  However, once the hole was worn, I could not part with this particular pair of jeans.  So, I kept them around for a while, months I believe.  I then cut up an old, black Student Life shirt and sewed a patch of it over the hole in the crotch.

I love these jeans (as much as you can use that word to describe your affection for something inanimate; if you know me you know that I often detest the limits of the English language).  They are a size smaller than what I normally have to buy in pants now.  They still fit only because I have worn them out so much.  But still it feels good to put them on at a size smaller than what I should.  I also purchased them a little too long so that the backs of the legs would bunch up under my feet when I wore sandals or flip-flops.  Eventually the very bottom wore off in the back and left a cool frayed look.  There are a few stains on them that I notice and remember what they’re from.  I often find items in the pockets that I have forgotten about, or that have been in there for a while and they make me remember other times when I was wearing my jeans.  They’re comfortable and make me feel comfortable regardless of if they are flattering or not.  They have a unique smell.  Liza says they smell like me.  I like that.  That I have a smell and that Liza knows it and doesn’t really mind it that much.

I think I’ll be sad whenever I am forced to part with these jeans for some reason.

I would make some parallel here between God and my jeans, which I could because I have already thought of one.  But I won’t because that would be pompous and pretentious, not witty and enjoyable.  So, I’ll just say…

I love God too (as much as I can even begin to grasp all the meaning in that word that the English don’t seem to bother with).

Oops.  I guess that was a bit of a parallel after all.

Yago arf amorphous mit du.

Buechner Quotes, Part 2

August 26, 2005 in Books, Christianity, xanga 8

Okay, so I was disappointed in the amount of comments and eprops that the last post containing Buechner quotes illicited.  However, I feel they are worth sharing.  So, here is part two.  Unlike part one, some of these entries will be in their entirity.  They’re that good.

Hell
    If there is suffering life in Hell, there must also be hope in Hell, because where there is life there is the Lord and giver of life, and where there is suffering he is there too because the suffering of the ones he loves is also his suffering.

History
    The real turning point in human history is less apt to be the day the wheel is invented or Rome falls than the day a boy is born to a couple of hick Jews.

Humility
    It is the capacity for being no more and no less pleased when you play your own hand well than when your opponents do.

Immortality
    The idea of the immortality of the soul is based on the experience of man’s indomitable spirit.  The idea of the resurrection of the body is based on the experience of God’s unspeakable love.

Judgment
    The justice and mercy of the judge are ultimately one.

Life
    Have you wept at anything during the past year?
    Has your heart beat faster at the sight of young beauty?
    Have you thought seriously about the fact that someday you are going to die?
    More often than not do you really listen when people are speaking to you instead of just waiting for your turn to speak?
    Is there anybody you know in whose place, if one of you had to suffer great pain, you would volunteer yourself?
    If your answer to all or most of these questions is No, the chances are that you’re dead.

Love
    The first stage is to believe that there is only one kind of love.  The middle stage is to believe that there are many kinds of love and that the Greeks had a different word for each of them.  The last stage is to believe that there is only one kind of love.

Lust (in full)
    …is the craving of salt of a man who is dying of thirst.

Magic
    If security’s what you’re after, try magic.  If adventure is what you’re after, try religion.  The line between them is notoriously fuzzy.

Meditation
    The thinker and the thought become one in much the same way that if you concentrate long enough on watching a fire burn, after a while the distinction between you as teh one that is watching and the fire as the one that is being watched disappears, and you yourself burst into flames.

Memory (in full)
    There are two ways of remembering.  One is to make an excursion from the living present back into the dead past.  The old sock remembers how things used to be when you and I wer young, Maggie.  The faraway look in his eyes is partly the beer and partly that he’s really far away.
    The other way is to summon the dead past back into the living present.  The young widow remembers her husband, and he is there beside her.
    When Jesus said, “Do this in rememberance of me,” (1 Corinthians 11:24) he was not prescribing a periodic slug of nostalgia.

Minister
    When Jesus sent the twelve out into the word… He told them to preach the kingdom of God and to heal (Luke 9:2), with the implication that to do either right was in effect to do both… To do them in the name of Christ is to be a minister.

Miracle
    Faith in God is less apt to proceed from miracles than miracles from faith in God.

Mystery
    To say that God is a mystery is to say that you can never nail him down.  Even on Christ the nails proved ultimately ineffective.

Mysticism
    We are all more mystics than we choose to let on, even to ourselves.  Life is complicated enough as it is.

Myth
    In popular usage, a myth has come to mean a story that is not true.  Historically speaking that may well be so.  Humanly speaking, a myth is a story that is always true.

Parable
    A parable is a small story with a large point… With parables and jokes both, if you’ve got to have it explained, don’t bother.

Peace
    …for Jesus peace seems to have meant not the absence of struggle but the presence of love.

Prayer
    …even if he does not bring you the answer you want, he will bring you himself.  And maybe at the secret heart of all our prayers that is what we are really praying for.

Predestination
    The fact that I know you so well that I know what you’re going to do before you do it does not mean that you are not free to do whatever you damn well please.

Prophet
    Like Robert Frost’s, a prophet’s quarrel with the world is deep-down a lover’s quarrel.  If they didn’t love the world, they probably wouldn’t bother to tell it that it’s going to Hell.  They’d just let it go.  Their quarrel is God’s quarrel.

Religion (in full)
    The word religion points to that area of human experience where one way or another man comes upon Mystery as a summons to pilgrimage; where he senses beyond and beneath the realities of every day a Reality no less real because it can only be hinted at in myths and rituals; where he glimpses a destination that he can never fully know until he reaches it.
    Since the Reality that religion claims to deal with is beyond space and time, man cannot use normal space-and-time language (i.e. nouns and verbs) to describe it directly.  He must fall back on the language of metaphor and resign himself to describing it at best indirectly.
    It is obvious that this is what he is doing when he says Jesus is “the son of God,” or the Lord is his “shepherd,” or the kingdom of God is “within you.”  It is not so obvious that his is what he is doint – but he is doing it no less – when he says “God exists.”  This  does not mean that God “exists” literally as you and I do, i.e., exists now and not then, here and not there, and stand out of (ex + sistere) some prior reality.  It is at best a crude metaphor.
    To say that God “does not exist” may be a better metaphor to suggest the nature of God’s reality.  But since it also is bound to be taken literally, it is better not to say it.

Repentance
    To repent is to come to your senses.

Righteousness (in full)
    “You haven’t got it right!” says the exasperated piano teacher.  Junior is holding his hands the way he’s been told.  his fingering is unexceptionalbe.  He has memorized the piece perfectly.  He has hit all the proper notes with deadly accuracy.  But his heart’s not in it, only his fingers.  What he’s playins is a sort of mustic but nothing that will start voices singing or feet tapping.  He has succeeded in boring everybody to death including himself.
    Jesus said to his disciples, “Unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven.” (Matthew 5:20)  The scribes and Pharisees were playing it by the Book.  They didn’t slip up on a single do or don’t.  But they were gitting it all wrong.
    Righteousness is getting it all right.  If you play it the way it’s supposed to be played, there shouldn’t be a still foot in the house.

Ritual
    A sacrament is God offering his holiness to men; a ritual is men raising up the holiness of their humanity to God.

Sacrament (in full)
    A sacrament is when something holy happens.  It is transparent time, time which you can see through to something deep inside time.
    Generally speaking, Protestants have two official sacraments (the Lord’s Supper, Baptism) and Roman Catholics these two plus five others (Confirmation, Penance, Extreme Unction, Ordination, and Matrimony).  In other words, at such milestone moments as seeing a baby baptized or being baptized yourself, confessing your sins, getting married, dying, you are apt to catch a glimpse of the almost unbearable preciousness and mystery of life.
    Needless to say, church isn’t the only place where the holy happens.  Sacramental moments can occur at any moment, any place, and to anybody.  Watching something get born.  Making love.  A high-school graduation.  Somebody coming to see you when you’re sick.  A meal with people you love.  Looking into a stanger’s eyes and finding out he’s not a stranger.
    If we weren’t blind as bats, we might see that life itself is sacramental.

Sacrifice (in full)
    To sacrifice something is to make it holy by giving it away for love.

Saint (in full)
    In his holy flirtation with the world, God occasionally drops a handkerchief.  These handkerchiefs are called saints.

Salvation
    It is an experience first and a doctrine second… It is a process, not an event.

Science (in full)
    Science is the investigation of the physical universe and its ways and consists largely of weighing, measuring, and putting things in test tubes.  To assume that this kind of investigation can unearth solutions to all man’s problems is a form of religious faith whose bankruptcy has only in recent years started to become apparent.
    There is a tendency in many people to suspect that anything that can’t be weighed, measured, or put in a test tube is either not zeal or not worth talking about.  That is like a blind man’s suspecting that anything that can’t be smelled, tasted, touched, or heard is probably a figment of the imagination.
    A scientist’s views on such subjects as God, morality, life after death, are apt to be about as enlightening as a theologian’s views on the structure of the atom or the cause and cure of the common cold.
    The conflict between science and religion, which reached its peak toward the end of the last century, is like the conflict between a podiatrist and a poet.  One says that Susie Smith has fallen arches.  The other says she walks in beauty like the night.  In his own way each is speaking the truth.  What is at issue is the kind of truth you’re after.

Sex
    Like nitroglycerin, it can be used either to blow up bridges or heal hearts.

Spirit
    When Peter and his friends were caught up in it at Jerusalem on Pentecost, everybody thought they were drunk even though the sun wasn’t yet over the yardarm (Acts 2).  They were.

Theology (in full)
    Theology is the study of God and his ways.  For all we know, dung beetles may study man and his ways and call it humanology.  If so, we would probably be more touched and amused than irritated.  One hopes that God feels likewise.

Toleration
    …is often just Indifference in disguise.

Trinity
    If the idea of God as both Three and One seems far-fetched and obfuscating, look in the mirror someday.
    There is (a) the interior life known only to yourself and those you choose to communicate it to (the Father).  There is (b) the visible face which in some measure reflects that inner life (the Son).  And there is (c) the invisible power you have in order to communicate that interior life in such a way that others do not merely know about it, but know it in the sense of its becoming part of who they are (the Holy Spirit).  Yet what you are looking at in the mirror is clearly and indivisibly the one and only You.

Truth
    When Jesus says that he has come to bear witness to the truth, Pilate asks, “What is truth?” (John 18:38)… Jesus doesn’t answer Pilate’s question.  He just stands there.  Stands, and stands there.

Vocation (in full for the benefit of all those struggling with this)
    It comes from the Latin vocare, to call, and means the work a man is called to by God.
    There are all different kinds of voices calling you to all different kinds of work, and the problem is to find out which is the voice of God rather than of Society, say, or the Superego, or Self-Interest.
    By and large a good rule for finding out is this.  The kind of work God usually calls you to is the kind of work (a) that you need most to do and (b) that the world most needs to have done.  If you really get a kick out of your work, you’ve presumably met requirement (a), but if your work is writing TV deodorant commercials, the chances are you’ve missed requirement (b).  On the other hand, if your work is being a doctor in a leper colony, you have probably met requirement (b), but if most of the time you’re bored and depressed by it, the chances are you have not only bypassed (a) but probably aren’t helping your patients much either.
    Neither the hair shirt nor the soft berth will do.  The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.

Wine (in full)
    Unfermented grape juice is a bland and pleasant drink, especially on a warm afternoon mixed half-and-half with ginger ale.  It is a ghastly symbol of the life blood of Jesus Christ, especially when served in individual antiseptic, thimble-sized glasses.
    Wine is booze, which means it is dangerous and drunk-making.  It makes the timid brave and the reserved amorous.  It loosens the tongue and breaks the ice especially when served in a loving cup.  It kills germs.  As symbols go, it is a rather splendid one.

Word
    In Hebrew the term dabar means both “word” and “deed.”  Thus to say something is to do something.

Sorry so long.  But I think it’s worth it.  So actually, I’m not sorry at all.

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