Reading This Blog Post Might One Day Save Your Life
Faithful readers of this blog (both of you; thanks, Liza and Mom) know that my posts tend to vary and shift between serious and mildly humorous (or at least sarcastic). This particular post is going to appear to be of the latter variety, but let me assure you, it is most certainly of the former. Some of you know that I have a mild to moderate interest in scary movies. If you begin to break that genre down into its sub-genres, you might discover that my interest can quickly evolve into a full-blown obsession, especially when it comes to zombies. That's right. I'm talking about the walking dead. Everything from Romero's original masterpiece to those awfully embarrassing SciFi Originals that they show early on Saturday mornings with titles like "Rave to the Grave" capture and grip my interest like a rigomortic fist. But it doesn't stop with movies. In fact, I've been playing a video game recently (with some of you and your husbands) all about surviving the zombie apocalypse. I even own The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead by Max Brooks in both print and audio format.
And that brings us to the purpose of today's post. I know that not all of you take the threat of zombie attacks seriously. However, because I care so much, I don't want to leave you completely unprepared.
So, I'd now like to offer you (according to the back cover of The Zombie Survival Guide) the...
TOP 10 LESSONS FOR SURVIVING A ZOMBIE ATTACK
1. ORGANIZE BEFORE THEY ARISE - Don't wait until you hear lifeless, monotonic moans down the street and fingernail scrapes on your windows while you watch frantic news reports about the outbreak of some unknown virus. If you do, it's already too late. The time to prepare is now. So, stock up on your canned food, bottled water, and ammunition. Clean your guns and sharpen your machete. Plan your escape route to your secluded safehouse/fortress and pay attention to the following 9. You'll thank me later.
2. THEY FEEL NO FEAR, WHY SHOULD YOU? - Sure. They're a never ending horde of beings bent on your complete destruction, but that's no reason to get all worked up. Being scared will just cause you to panic, make rash decisions and ultimately result in many mistakes, which leads to only one thing: you becoming one of them. Instead, stop. Take a deep breath. Remember your training. Listen carefully. Communicate effectively. And keep moving.
3. USE YOUR HEAD: CUT OFF THEIRS. - The only way to be sure a zombie is down is to destroy their head, the brain in particular. It's that simple. Don't waste your time on anything else.
4. BLADES DON'T NEED RELOADING. - I know a lot of you are real gun aficionados, and that's fine. Firearms are a good form of protection against the undead. Of course, they just have two problems: a. they're loud and b. they run out of ammo. Blades don't. So long as you keep them sharp, you're golden. That's why I have three swords, two spears and a machete in my house.
5. IDEAL PROTECTION = TIGHT CLOTHES, SHORT HAIR. - Zombies aren't too smart, but they are persistent. And the first thing they do before they bite you is grab you. Don't make it easy for them.
6. GET UP THE STAIRCASE, THEN DESTROY IT. - Zombies aren't good problem solvers. They can't climb unless something is in place to make it easy for them. So, why not get elevated and then make it hard, as close to impossible as you can. Just don't burn it down. You'll probably end up destroying the whole place and then you're out of luck. Plus a flaming zombie isn't necessarily a dead one.
7. GET OUT OF THE CAR, GET ONTO THE BIKE. - This lesson is actually similar to the one about guns and blades. Cars are noisy and run out of gas. Bikes aren't and don't. Plus, they're much more maneuverable.
8. KEEP MOVING, KEEP LOW, KEEP QUIET, KEEP ALERT! - This one's pretty self-explanatory.
9. NO PLACE IS SAFE, ONLY SAFER. - Don't get too comfortable. Always have your guard up. Fortify and prepare as much as possible and keep watch. I don't care where you are. Bonus: some of the places you might think are the safes (police precincts; army bases; hospitals) are probably the least. Don't go there.
10. THE ZOMBIE MAY BE GONE, BUT THE THREAT LIVES ON. - Something made them zombies in the first place. Just because they're not here right now, doesn't mean they'll never be.
I hope this will prove to be helpful for you. If you'd like to find a little bit more information about how you can best prepare for the survival of the human race, you can find it here.
Thanks for reading and good luck out there.