Xanga Post Tuesday May 16, 2006

I started a post but erased it.  I'm about to vomit here.  Literally and metaphorically (or figuratively).

I hurt.  Right now.  This instant.  I can feel it in my chest.  It's not really physical pain.  Perhaps emotional.  But I do feel it.  Like I can reach into my chest and grip the hurt and tear it out.  Actually, hurt is probably the wrong word.  It's emptiness.  Nothingness.  How do you feel nothing?  I don't know.  But I do.  And I'll tell you this, nothing isn't nothing.  It's something.  And it hurts.  Maybe it's lack of sleep.  Maybe it's stress.  Maybe.  But many of you have that same stuff.  So what?  So why?  Why?  Why feel hurt?  Why feel restless?  I'm not being vague for any reason.  If there was some specific thing to tell you about, I would.  But there's not.  I'm sad.  Kinda.  No real reason.  I want to crawl in my bed with my dog and listen to rain outside while pulling the covers up to my chin to shield me from the breeze from my fan.  I want to have a deep conversation with my friends that doesn't involve work.  I want to be a good husband for Liza and be the father she wants me to be for the children she wants us to have but that she thinks I'm reluctant to.  I want to be okay with the realization that there are people in my life who are going to meet other people and move on and I'll probably never talk to again.  Actually, that kind of stuff has rarely bothered me.  I realize that I've been a person that moves on pretty well from things.  But now... now I'm not so sure.  I've been real nostalgic lately (which if you study generations is becoming an increasing phenomenon for the young because of the immediacy of life and information, but that's for another time).  It's amazing, the direction your life takes.  The way little tiny decisions affect increasingly bigger decisions that affect the entire direction of your life and that in the midst of it all God is sovereign and in control and directing the whole thing.  "What is man that you are mindful of him?  The son of man that you care for him?"  I'm in love.  I am.  I'm in love with you, and if you think that "you" refers actually to you, then it does.  I love you.  All of you.  I do.  And it's weird.  As I've often discussed that word doesn't carry with it enough meaning.  I need many words to express to the many individuals what that phrase actually means.  How unifying and polarizing it can be all the same instance.  Healing and hurting.  A few years ago I was at Windermere Conference Center and I asked God to show me more of His love.  I was feeling pretty depressed at the time (if you can't tell, that's a constant struggle/battle for me) and honestly prayed that for my own benefit.  What happened was very unusual.  Instead of God doing something to me, loving me, He directed my attention elsewhere.  I saw someone on the back row.  A man.  In his forties.  Fat.  Insecure (you could tell).  He had on a fishing hat, sitting amongst trendy teenagers.  And in that moment, I loved him.  I had no reason to.  But I did.  I love him, extremely, deeply, honestly, truly.  It changed me.  It changed how I feel now.  About you.  All of you.  And it's made it worse, because that kind of love, agape kind of love, can hurt like hell.  I think that's why He showed me that.  He loves us so much it hurts like hell.  Literally.  That's what He endured, after all.  Hell.  I feel a little lightheaded.  Maybe I should eat something.  Or drink some water.  I know I don't drink enough water.  At any rate, I'm here now.  Thinking.  Hurting.  Loving.  And I miss you.  All of you.  Because you're not here with me.  Even those of you here right now, literally, as I write this, aren't really here.  And it's my fault.  I know that.  I don't let you be here, here with me.  But I love you and thank you for loving me.  I'm just in a mood.  I don't think it's bad, but it's certainly not good.  And I should expand my vocabulary.  I repeat words and phrases too much.  If I ran away, where would I go?  Home, probably.  Home.  It's weird.  And it's vague.  And it doesn't matter to you.  "It may look to you like nothing much to see, but you should see the way it feels to me."  The past is a crappy place to dwell and the future is always too far away.  But is the present ever enough?  Should it be?  What if?  "What if" is a horrible question?  It's paralyzing.  As much as trying to "figure out" God's will.  Except there's always fear with "what if."  Fear or expectation.  And often the two of those shouldn't be mutually exclusive.  I'm feeling lightheaded again and I'm tired.  I'm just tired.  And I want to go home.  So...

I will.  And I do.

You.

All of you...

xangaChris Kinsley