Xanga Post Tuesday August 16, 2005

Consider the small goal for this week met.

So I was reading Keefer's site the other day and left him a response.  In leaving the response, I happened to read some of the others.  He had a few from various students who had been at camp and knew him from that.  I also watched a documentary that Taylor is working on about a night of Student Life worship for our promo DVD.  Now, what do these two events have to do with each other?  Both of them fed something inside of me that welled up with thoughts of how weird it is to devote everything I do for an entire year to production and worship at camp and have no one even know that I do.  I'm not in the documentary, nor really should I be.  No campers seek me out.  No praise.  Not much thanks.  It's just odd.  It was very humbling for me, which is definitely good.

In the midst of this, those of you who really know me know that I am constantly questioning my purpose and direction.  How am I doing at fulfilling God's design for my life?  Do I bring worth and value to Student Life as an organization and ministry?  How can I improve and do things better?  Am I really listening to the Spirit intently?  Do I do too much of my own power and abilities?  Etc.

The reason that I ask these questions is truly out of the intense desire in me to not waste time but live life to the fullest and to the glory of God.  I take these things very seriously and consider what I do extremely important (though I'm sure some would look at it and laugh.  After all, at my age Speilberg, for example, was putting the finishing touches on JawsJAWS!).

All this is leading to a quote I read in the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly.  It is by Bertrand Russell as quoted by Viggo Mortensen: "One of the symptoms of approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important."

Am I wrong about what I do?  Perhaps.  I do believe that regardless of what I do, I won't thwart the will of God.  He's too big for that.  However, I would like to be a part of that will, to be used, to leave lasting impact, to have a small sense of pride (perhaps regardless of how sinful it may be), to look back at 27 or 72 and think, "I did all right."

It is amazing I haven't had more nervous breakdowns.  (I have had one, but it was almost five years ago).  But all this makes me think about something Randy (my boss if you don't know, president of Student Life) once said about something we saw similar to what I do.  And I quote: "I wasn't concerned about what my kids were seeing because it wasn't anything new."

I hope no one ever says that about me.

This could be the year...

xangaChris Kinsley