Xanga Post Wednesday June 22, 2005
I said I was committed to this thing, but that obviously was a bit presumptuous of me. I still find the idea of people reading random thoughts of mine to be somewhat disconcerting. I just don't think that much of myself.
When I was in high school, early high school, ninth and tenth grades, I had a good friend named Eddie. Eddie told me one time that many other people had remarked that Eddie and I seemed to be the same person, except the only difference was that I had morals and he did not. He blamed my morals on the fact that I was an idealist, like that was a bad thing. I remember being extremely taken aback by this. I talked with my parents about whether or not that was bad and remember thinking that I hoped I never grew up to stop being an idealist. Well, I have. I am now the opposite of an idealist. Not a realist. Instead, I'm a cynic. Although I'm not sure that idealism or realism are particularly Christian virtues, I am almost certain there is something amiss with Christian cynicism. I regret it, yet don't know what to do about it. There are certianly outside factors that have contributed to my cynicism, but I can't shake the feeling that I take some pride in it. Like, I'm better to be on the fringe, cynical of all things "Christian" or "too religious."
I've been doing some soul searching lately, trying to come to grips with the genuine love that I have for God, all of Him, Father, Son & Spirit. I think He certainly recognizes things as they are but I don't think he's cynical or sarcastic about it. What does that say about me?