It’s 3:40 am. I’m awake, obviously, and writing. I doubt I sleep tonight so I should be really exciting at work tomorrow, or today or whatever. There’s a number of reasons I’m awake. One being, I’m forcing myself to write and am actually getting something done. So, I’ll continue. Another reason, is that I can’t shake some thoughts tonight that were keeping me up anyway. So, since I’m tired, delirious, and a little pissy this could be one of the most honest and revealing posts to date.
I have a brother. Craig is his name. Craig is married to a great girl named Lori. During high school and his early post hight school days, Craig lived a life of wreckless abandon to say the least. Never, do I think, did he lose sight of God. Perhaps he just ignored Him a bit. At any rate, while Craig and Lori were dating they went to the Brownsville Revival in Pensacola and were baptized by the Holy Spirit. Regardless of how you want to try to explain it, something miraculous happened in the life of my brother. It was the most amazing and sudden life-change I have ever personally witnessed.
When this happened, I was not the most supportive of people. Don’t get me wrong. I thought it was great and it certainly was an answer to prayer, many prayers by many people. However, at the time I was extremely egotistical about my theological training and my own faith journey (some might argue that I still am, but trust me it was worse then). I wanted Craig to better explain what had happened to him, or to at least let me better explain it for him. It led to a fight. We blew up. We never had the closest of relationships before, but suffice it to say, this didn’t help. Shades of the prodigal’s older brother, I know. I’m not proud.
However, Craig’s spiritual transformation jump-started a revival in my own family in which I have witnesses spiritual growth and maturity happen in the lives of so many I have known so long that in one way or another go back to Craig and this experience. One of the fruitions of this being that my parents and sister now live in South Africa and Craig and Lori have moved to Vancouver. All are involved in ministry on a global scale. I write silly little sketches for middle class suburban white kids.
All of this has had impact on my own spiritual journey as well. In the past few years I have seen some of the deepest, darkest valleys I’ve ever gone through as well as some of the most majestic peaks. My own relationship with the Holy Spirit and thus Jesus and the Father has grown immensely. I’ve experienced things I’ve only barely hinted at with even my closest friends.
But now I find Craig has taken a place in my family that I used to fill. He is the super spiritual leader of a young man. He helped plant a church in Jackson and co-pastored it before moving to Vancouver (He’s 23, by the way). He has seen miracles I’ve only read about in the Bible. He is now being given a preaching and teaching ministry that will span the globe. He’s being ordained next weekend. He’s outlining his first book to be published.
He’s freaking stealing my dreams. Not only stealing but fulfilling them. He’s living parts of the life that I have wanted. Is it selfish for me to think that? Prideful? Sinful? Evil? Yes. But I can’t deny it. I can only confess it. I get angry and jealous. I struggle with it, knowing it’s wrong. I pray that my heart might be healed. I tell God I trust Him and that I will follow Him wherever regardless of glory or success. I ask Him to teach me and show me things like He has Craig. I wait. I work. I study. I listen.
I’m a poser. A fake. A phony. I got nothing. If I showed you guys things I feel right now, you wouldn’t be able to look. What’s wrong? What did I do wrong? What am I doing wrong? I know those are the wrong questions. But I’ve asked everything else already. So, what am I left with? Huh?
I can’t even think of a good way to end this post. I’ll probably edit and delete it later anyway. Who cares?
I know. I feel the same way. God is into irony these days. Sometimes when we are at a low point, Satan can get a better grip on us. He’s telling you that you’re not good enough, that you made some kind of mistake. It’s a deception. That’s not what God tells you. Hope I see you soon.
So I know you didn’t sit up at 3 a.m. writing this post, so that we’d all write back and tell you what a great guy you are. hell, if you had, that’d be ok too.
But, I’m still going to tell you that your post only serves to reinforce my feeling that you are one of the best men I know. I’m proud to call you friend. (and boss)
Dude, everyone feels this way about someone. Ultimately, someone else is living the life that you were destined for, I mean, how dare they! But the fact of the matter is, Kinsley, that someone needs to minister to suburban white kids because they can slip through the cracks (witness my little sister). And also, you ministered so much to me when I worked with you, and I know that plenty of other people feel the same way.
Hannah’s probably right about not wanting to be told what a great guy you are, but I wanted to tell you that anyway. And I would keep going if it seemed like the right time, but it probably isn’t.
All that said, are you jealous because you think Crag’s is the life God has in store for you? Or are you jealous that the life that God had in store for Craig was the one you wanted?
I feel ya on that one. I’m thankful for that post…more than you know.
hey, sorry that was weird as hell. i sent you an email.