Okay, so, yesterday I made a remark about you not knowing me if you don’t know why I was linking to that picture (if you must know, it’s because I have a celebrity crush on Diane Lane that goes all the way back to when she played Lori from Lonesome Dove in the miniseires in 1988), and like so often happens with me, a flippant comment has turned into something more. I finished Folly and Glory at 1:30 this morning (I kinda get into books) and was in a rather melancholy mood, as reading McMurtry is bound to do sometimes. I had turned off my bed-side lamp but was unable to sleep. I was lying there in the complete darkness thinking just about things (job, life calling, old loves, if I had time to get coffee on the way to work in the morning, short film ideas, how I wish I could win the Pulitzer) and had the realization that there are all these thoughts I have (that you probably have as well) that no one will ever know about. Thoughts that somehow speak to the very core of who you are. Thoughts that mean something. That you wrestle with. That can be life altering. Here I am having some such thoughts lying next to my wife and she might not ever even know about them. So, this morning as I’m getting ready for work, (she’s off again because the Highlands doesn’t have power) I mention this to her. She says that she can’t relate because she just tells me whatever she’s thinking. Maybe I should be more like that. Every year I have a handfull of people that life circumstances I have caused me to be around more than normal. They always, always inevitably remark about how glad they are that they finally got to know me because, although we’ve known each other for some time, they don’t feel like they ever really knew me. Perhaps because I am or at least can be quiet, reserved and guarded. So, to help, I have decided to make random confessions of random thoughts I think about, particularly when I am in a melancholy mood, which is often.
Thought: Life will go on without me. Whether at work or in existence in general (contrary to what Liza might feel) I am not essential in any way. I can be replaced. But I’m always fighting that, trying to make myself essential while continually realizing how unessential I am (we all are). What does that do for my self-esteem?
In other news, this book club thing might happen. Continue to let me know your level of interest and look for further updates.
I think quiet people are more fun to get to know because when it happens you feel like you’ve accomplished something, like you’re one of the elite few who can call, say, a Chris Kinsley, friend. You should take a personality test. It would give you a good excuse to accept who you are, how you think, what you think about, etc. At least it did me. Helped me claim my oddities and realize that for me they were normalcies. Google “myers-briggs”. I bet you’re an INTP.
I have to agree with Hulk. Friendships that don’t come right away feel earned. And they mean something more because you’ve invested more into it. I didn’t read the post about the book club but if you are starting one, i would be very interested
Thought: My life definitely has gone on without you. How long has it been? Sometimes I wish you were a bit more essential. The reality is that when circumstances change, people and their relationships grow. The true test is time. You grew with me and you probably know more about who I was than anyone. I have spent the last three years trying to get others caught up on who I was because they want to know why I am so weird. In a way we carry all the “oddities” with us into our new relationships so it becomes challenging for them to understand what they did not experience. I just explain to them “I used to watch Chris Kinsley sit on the steps and eat his boogers” That was random. It had no purpose. I just felt it was essential. To me, because new friendships always feel like “starting over” it is comforting to know that we don’t have this with God. God is the relationship that grows with us every step. I agree that we can all be replaced physically. But a relationship with God continues even in death. I typed this with one hand so it took forever. Max and Maggie say hello.
i love you!!!!
I’m seconding, well thriding or fouthing, what Wob said. It’s good to share, but it is an accomplishment to get to know anyone, especially when they don’t fall all over themselves to let you in on everything they’ve ever done. Maybe you should be more open with Liza, but I only say that because she is your wife (not that I think you’re closed with her…). It’s okay to be introverted or reserved because it means more to be your friend.