Archive - August, 2005

Xanga Post Wednesday August 31, 2005

Okay, so, yesterday I made a remark about you not knowing me if you don’t know why I was linking to that picture (if you must know, it’s because I have a celebrity crush on Diane Lane that goes all the way back to when she played Lori from Lonesome Dove in the miniseires in 1988), and like so often happens with me, a flippant comment has turned into something more.  I finished Folly and Glory at 1:30 this morning (I kinda get into books) and was in a rather melancholy mood, as reading McMurtry is bound to do sometimes.  I had turned off my bed-side lamp but was unable to sleep.  I was lying there in the complete darkness thinking just about things (job, life calling, old loves, if I had time to get coffee on the way to work in the morning, short film ideas, how I wish I could win the Pulitzer) and had the realization that there are all these thoughts I have (that you probably have as well) that no one will ever know about.  Thoughts that somehow speak to the very core of who you are.  Thoughts that mean something.  That you wrestle with.  That can be life altering.  Here I am having some such thoughts lying next to my wife and she might not ever even know about them.  So, this morning as I’m getting ready for work, (she’s off again because the Highlands doesn’t have power) I mention this to her.  She says that she can’t relate because she just tells me whatever she’s thinking.  Maybe I should be more like that.  Every year I have a handfull of people that life circumstances I have caused me to be around more than normal.  They always, always inevitably remark about how glad they are that they finally got to know me because, although we’ve known each other for some time, they don’t feel like they ever really knew me.  Perhaps because I am or at least can be quiet, reserved and guarded.  So, to help, I have decided to make random confessions of random thoughts I think about, particularly when I am in a melancholy mood, which is often.

Thought:  Life will go on without me.  Whether at work or in existence in general (contrary to what Liza might feel) I am not essential in any way.  I can be replaced.  But I’m always fighting that, trying to make myself essential while continually realizing how unessential I am (we all are).  What does that do for my self-esteem?

In other news, this book club thing might happen.  Continue to let me know your level of interest and look for further updates.

Xanga Post Tuesday August 30, 2005

So, I had this long entry about how I tossed my reading plan out the window so I could read two fiction books in a row because I love Larry McMurty so much.  I was then going through and putting links to pictures and stuff and somehow deleted my entire entry and I don’t feel like rewriting it.

Maybe some of us should start a book club where we could recommend stuff to each other, all read it together, and then talk about it either in person or in some online forum.  What do you think?

Here is the picture I was trying to link to when I erased my entry.  If you’re asking yourself, “why this picture,” then you don’t even know me.

Sports

Okay.  Thanks so much for the comments.  This was a much better response.  However, I believe Natalie is correct.  I will apologize for making the post so long and giving them to you all at once.  I should have saved them so you would have something to look forward to each and every time you return to this site.  Oh well.  Pressure’s on now to make it that interesting.

I will now comment on something that could be a bit tricky: sports-lovers.  Now, I myself am not a sports-lover.  However, I have nothing against sports-lovers.  I enjoy going to live games.  I even enjoy watching sporting events on TV with a group of people.  I just don’t think, “ooh, I can’t wait to get home to watch ___________ (insert your favorite team or sport.”  But I understand people that do.  It’s much like I am with movies or Bobby Flay’s Boy Meets Grill.  So, I am not someone that thinks sports-lovers are stupid.  What I do think is stupid is when you are somewhere and there is a discussion taking place about sports amongst sports-lovers.  I, not being a sports-lover, normally do not engage in the conversaton seeing as how I have nothing to bring to it.  However, I am not sitting there thinking about how stupid it is that they are talking about sports.  I do think, though, that is what the sports-lovers themeselves assume I am thinking because they inevitably call me out with some comment like, “Hey, Kinsley.  Bet you’re real interested in this,” or, “Hey, Kinsley.  Who’d be your first pick for fantasy football?” or,”Hey, Kinsley.  What new plays are coming out this fall?  Who’s your pick for the best-actor Tony?”  That is stupid.  But if I were to reverse that scenario and call someone out by asking something like, “Hey, ________ (fill in a sports-lover’s name) what do you think about the impact on and transformatin of the theater of the abusrd by Stoppard’s Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead?”  I would be considered a pompous ________ (fill in the blank with your favorite derogatory term).  So, to resolve this, I’ve decided to pick a sport to become passionate about and I’ve chosen Curling.

See you on the ice!

Buechner Quotes, Part 2

Okay, so I was disappointed in the amount of comments and eprops that the last post containing Buechner quotes illicited.  However, I feel they are worth sharing.  So, here is part two.  Unlike part one, some of these entries will be in their entirity.  They’re that good.

Hell
    If there is suffering life in Hell, there must also be hope in Hell, because where there is life there is the Lord and giver of life, and where there is suffering he is there too because the suffering of the ones he loves is also his suffering.

History
    The real turning point in human history is less apt to be the day the wheel is invented or Rome falls than the day a boy is born to a couple of hick Jews.

Humility
    It is the capacity for being no more and no less pleased when you play your own hand well than when your opponents do.

Immortality
    The idea of the immortality of the soul is based on the experience of man’s indomitable spirit.  The idea of the resurrection of the body is based on the experience of God’s unspeakable love.

Judgment
    The justice and mercy of the judge are ultimately one.

Life
    Have you wept at anything during the past year?
    Has your heart beat faster at the sight of young beauty?
    Have you thought seriously about the fact that someday you are going to die?
    More often than not do you really listen when people are speaking to you instead of just waiting for your turn to speak?
    Is there anybody you know in whose place, if one of you had to suffer great pain, you would volunteer yourself?
    If your answer to all or most of these questions is No, the chances are that you’re dead.

Love
    The first stage is to believe that there is only one kind of love.  The middle stage is to believe that there are many kinds of love and that the Greeks had a different word for each of them.  The last stage is to believe that there is only one kind of love.

Lust (in full)
    …is the craving of salt of a man who is dying of thirst.

Magic
    If security’s what you’re after, try magic.  If adventure is what you’re after, try religion.  The line between them is notoriously fuzzy.

Meditation
    The thinker and the thought become one in much the same way that if you concentrate long enough on watching a fire burn, after a while the distinction between you as teh one that is watching and the fire as the one that is being watched disappears, and you yourself burst into flames.

Memory (in full)
    There are two ways of remembering.  One is to make an excursion from the living present back into the dead past.  The old sock remembers how things used to be when you and I wer young, Maggie.  The faraway look in his eyes is partly the beer and partly that he’s really far away.
    The other way is to summon the dead past back into the living present.  The young widow remembers her husband, and he is there beside her.
    When Jesus said, “Do this in rememberance of me,” (1 Corinthians 11:24) he was not prescribing a periodic slug of nostalgia.

Minister
    When Jesus sent the twelve out into the word… He told them to preach the kingdom of God and to heal (Luke 9:2), with the implication that to do either right was in effect to do both… To do them in the name of Christ is to be a minister.

Miracle
    Faith in God is less apt to proceed from miracles than miracles from faith in God.

Mystery
    To say that God is a mystery is to say that you can never nail him down.  Even on Christ the nails proved ultimately ineffective.

Mysticism
    We are all more mystics than we choose to let on, even to ourselves.  Life is complicated enough as it is.

Myth
    In popular usage, a myth has come to mean a story that is not true.  Historically speaking that may well be so.  Humanly speaking, a myth is a story that is always true.

Parable
    A parable is a small story with a large point… With parables and jokes both, if you’ve got to have it explained, don’t bother.

Peace
    …for Jesus peace seems to have meant not the absence of struggle but the presence of love.

Prayer
    …even if he does not bring you the answer you want, he will bring you himself.  And maybe at the secret heart of all our prayers that is what we are really praying for.

Predestination
    The fact that I know you so well that I know what you’re going to do before you do it does not mean that you are not free to do whatever you damn well please.

Prophet
    Like Robert Frost’s, a prophet’s quarrel with the world is deep-down a lover’s quarrel.  If they didn’t love the world, they probably wouldn’t bother to tell it that it’s going to Hell.  They’d just let it go.  Their quarrel is God’s quarrel.

Religion (in full)
    The word religion points to that area of human experience where one way or another man comes upon Mystery as a summons to pilgrimage; where he senses beyond and beneath the realities of every day a Reality no less real because it can only be hinted at in myths and rituals; where he glimpses a destination that he can never fully know until he reaches it.
    Since the Reality that religion claims to deal with is beyond space and time, man cannot use normal space-and-time language (i.e. nouns and verbs) to describe it directly.  He must fall back on the language of metaphor and resign himself to describing it at best indirectly.
    It is obvious that this is what he is doing when he says Jesus is “the son of God,” or the Lord is his “shepherd,” or the kingdom of God is “within you.”  It is not so obvious that his is what he is doint – but he is doing it no less – when he says “God exists.”  This  does not mean that God “exists” literally as you and I do, i.e., exists now and not then, here and not there, and stand out of (ex + sistere) some prior reality.  It is at best a crude metaphor.
    To say that God “does not exist” may be a better metaphor to suggest the nature of God’s reality.  But since it also is bound to be taken literally, it is better not to say it.

Repentance
    To repent is to come to your senses.

Righteousness (in full)
    “You haven’t got it right!” says the exasperated piano teacher.  Junior is holding his hands the way he’s been told.  his fingering is unexceptionalbe.  He has memorized the piece perfectly.  He has hit all the proper notes with deadly accuracy.  But his heart’s not in it, only his fingers.  What he’s playins is a sort of mustic but nothing that will start voices singing or feet tapping.  He has succeeded in boring everybody to death including himself.
    Jesus said to his disciples, “Unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven.” (Matthew 5:20)  The scribes and Pharisees were playing it by the Book.  They didn’t slip up on a single do or don’t.  But they were gitting it all wrong.
    Righteousness is getting it all right.  If you play it the way it’s supposed to be played, there shouldn’t be a still foot in the house.

Ritual
    A sacrament is God offering his holiness to men; a ritual is men raising up the holiness of their humanity to God.

Sacrament (in full)
    A sacrament is when something holy happens.  It is transparent time, time which you can see through to something deep inside time.
    Generally speaking, Protestants have two official sacraments (the Lord’s Supper, Baptism) and Roman Catholics these two plus five others (Confirmation, Penance, Extreme Unction, Ordination, and Matrimony).  In other words, at such milestone moments as seeing a baby baptized or being baptized yourself, confessing your sins, getting married, dying, you are apt to catch a glimpse of the almost unbearable preciousness and mystery of life.
    Needless to say, church isn’t the only place where the holy happens.  Sacramental moments can occur at any moment, any place, and to anybody.  Watching something get born.  Making love.  A high-school graduation.  Somebody coming to see you when you’re sick.  A meal with people you love.  Looking into a stanger’s eyes and finding out he’s not a stranger.
    If we weren’t blind as bats, we might see that life itself is sacramental.

Sacrifice (in full)
    To sacrifice something is to make it holy by giving it away for love.

Saint (in full)
    In his holy flirtation with the world, God occasionally drops a handkerchief.  These handkerchiefs are called saints.

Salvation
    It is an experience first and a doctrine second… It is a process, not an event.

Science (in full)
    Science is the investigation of the physical universe and its ways and consists largely of weighing, measuring, and putting things in test tubes.  To assume that this kind of investigation can unearth solutions to all man’s problems is a form of religious faith whose bankruptcy has only in recent years started to become apparent.
    There is a tendency in many people to suspect that anything that can’t be weighed, measured, or put in a test tube is either not zeal or not worth talking about.  That is like a blind man’s suspecting that anything that can’t be smelled, tasted, touched, or heard is probably a figment of the imagination.
    A scientist’s views on such subjects as God, morality, life after death, are apt to be about as enlightening as a theologian’s views on the structure of the atom or the cause and cure of the common cold.
    The conflict between science and religion, which reached its peak toward the end of the last century, is like the conflict between a podiatrist and a poet.  One says that Susie Smith has fallen arches.  The other says she walks in beauty like the night.  In his own way each is speaking the truth.  What is at issue is the kind of truth you’re after.

Sex
    Like nitroglycerin, it can be used either to blow up bridges or heal hearts.

Spirit
    When Peter and his friends were caught up in it at Jerusalem on Pentecost, everybody thought they were drunk even though the sun wasn’t yet over the yardarm (Acts 2).  They were.

Theology (in full)
    Theology is the study of God and his ways.  For all we know, dung beetles may study man and his ways and call it humanology.  If so, we would probably be more touched and amused than irritated.  One hopes that God feels likewise.

Toleration
    …is often just Indifference in disguise.

Trinity
    If the idea of God as both Three and One seems far-fetched and obfuscating, look in the mirror someday.
    There is (a) the interior life known only to yourself and those you choose to communicate it to (the Father).  There is (b) the visible face which in some measure reflects that inner life (the Son).  And there is (c) the invisible power you have in order to communicate that interior life in such a way that others do not merely know about it, but know it in the sense of its becoming part of who they are (the Holy Spirit).  Yet what you are looking at in the mirror is clearly and indivisibly the one and only You.

Truth
    When Jesus says that he has come to bear witness to the truth, Pilate asks, “What is truth?” (John 18:38)… Jesus doesn’t answer Pilate’s question.  He just stands there.  Stands, and stands there.

Vocation (in full for the benefit of all those struggling with this)
    It comes from the Latin vocare, to call, and means the work a man is called to by God.
    There are all different kinds of voices calling you to all different kinds of work, and the problem is to find out which is the voice of God rather than of Society, say, or the Superego, or Self-Interest.
    By and large a good rule for finding out is this.  The kind of work God usually calls you to is the kind of work (a) that you need most to do and (b) that the world most needs to have done.  If you really get a kick out of your work, you’ve presumably met requirement (a), but if your work is writing TV deodorant commercials, the chances are you’ve missed requirement (b).  On the other hand, if your work is being a doctor in a leper colony, you have probably met requirement (b), but if most of the time you’re bored and depressed by it, the chances are you have not only bypassed (a) but probably aren’t helping your patients much either.
    Neither the hair shirt nor the soft berth will do.  The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.

Wine (in full)
    Unfermented grape juice is a bland and pleasant drink, especially on a warm afternoon mixed half-and-half with ginger ale.  It is a ghastly symbol of the life blood of Jesus Christ, especially when served in individual antiseptic, thimble-sized glasses.
    Wine is booze, which means it is dangerous and drunk-making.  It makes the timid brave and the reserved amorous.  It loosens the tongue and breaks the ice especially when served in a loving cup.  It kills germs.  As symbols go, it is a rather splendid one.

Word
    In Hebrew the term dabar means both “word” and “deed.”  Thus to say something is to do something.

Sorry so long.  But I think it’s worth it.  So actually, I’m not sorry at all.

Xanga Post Thursday August 25, 2005

It’s 10:00 at night.  I’m sitting at the Student Life office.  Why?  Because my wife took a teaching job and needs things printed out for her open house tomorrow and our printer at home is a piece of ________ (fill in whatever noun you like).  Mind you, my mother was a teacher for over twenty years.  I know what this is like.  I know what we’re about to go through.  Argh.

For the record: KJ stole my idea.

Xanga Post Wednesday August 24, 2005

I’m editing and formatting scripts so they can be available for purchase at the Student Life store.  In the first batch alone there are sixty-one.  I’ve done maybe thrity-five.  There are approximately 180 more sketches to go after this first batch, not to mention the full-lengths.  I’ve never read so much Christian drama  in my life.  Someone help me.  I need a Mamet book.  Or some Durang.  Or Stoppard.  Or Simon.  Or Shepherd.  The new Ives book would be great.

On a similar note.  Why are all the new critically raved/award winning plays only issue oriented.  Does no one write/care about the universal themes of life and humanity?

My new play/movie idea:  September 11, 2001.  Both towers of the World Trade Center have been hit.  The entire action focuses on one set of offices on a floor above where the plane has hit in tower two.  How do/did people cope, staring into eternity, on their way from one life to the next?  Don’t steal it.

Buechner Quotes, Part 1

This is the first Buechner post I promised (see four or five posts ago).  I will not put entire entries, but rather simple quotes I liked beneath the heading under which they appear in his book Wishful Thinking: A Theological ABC (don’t let that theological word scare you).  Sometimes he uses slightly colorful language.  Remember, these are quotes.  Don’t leave me nasty comments if I have tainted your innocent eyes (I actually mean that sincerely).  Enjoy.

Agnostic
…some people all of the time and all people some of the time.

Baptism
    Question: How about infant baptistm?…
    Answer: …When it comes to the forgiving and transforming love of God, one wonders if the six-week-old screecher knows all that much less than the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Children
    …they are just apt to be better at telling the difference between a put-up job and the real thing.

Christian
    A Christian isn’t necessarily any nicer than anybody else.  Just better informed.

Compassion
    …the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy finally for you too.

Confession
    To confess your sins to God is not to tell him anything he doesn’t already know.  Until you confess them, however, they are the abyss between you.  When you confess them, they become the bridge.

Cross
    A six-pointed star, a crescent moon, a lotus – the symbols of other religions suggest beauty and light.  The symbol of Christianity is an instrument of death.  It suggests, at the very least, hope.

Devil
    Lucifer was an angel who even in Paradise itself was free to get the hell out.

Doubt
    …the ants in the pants of faith.  They keep it awake and moving.

Envy
    Envy is the consuming desire to have everybody else as unsuccessful as you are.

Eternal Life
    When you are with somebody you love, you have little if any sense of the passage of time, and you have in the fullest sense of the phrase a good time.

Faith
    Faith can’t prove a damned thing.  Or a blessed thing either.

Fool
    There are two kinds of fools in the world: damned fools and wht St. Paul calls “fools for Christ’s sake.”

Freedom
    The only freedom Love denies us is the freedom to destroy ourselves.

Glory
    Glory is to God what style is to an aritst…  Glory is what God looks like when for the time being all you have to look at him with is a pair of eyes.

Grace
    The grace of God means something like: Here is your life.  You might never have been, but you are because the party wouldn’t have been complete without you.  Here is the world.  Beautiful and terrible things will happen.  Don’t be afraid.  I am with you.  Nothing can ever separate us.  It’s for you I created the universe.  I love you.
    There’s only one catch.  Like any other gift, the gift of grace can be yours only if you’ll reach out and take it.
    Maybe being able to reach out and take it is a gift too.

Feast.  Sit back and relax.  And then feast some more.  And if you were in College/Career RBF at Brook Hills Sunday morning, this guy is a wordsmith.

Xanga Post Thursday August 18, 2005

Taylor thinks I should “stop worrying about it.”  What do you think?

Xanga Post Tuesday August 16, 2005

Consider the small goal for this week met.

So I was reading Keefer’s site the other day and left him a response.  In leaving the response, I happened to read some of the others.  He had a few from various students who had been at camp and knew him from that.  I also watched a documentary that Taylor is working on about a night of Student Life worship for our promo DVD.  Now, what do these two events have to do with each other?  Both of them fed something inside of me that welled up with thoughts of how weird it is to devote everything I do for an entire year to production and worship at camp and have no one even know that I do.  I’m not in the documentary, nor really should I be.  No campers seek me out.  No praise.  Not much thanks.  It’s just odd.  It was very humbling for me, which is definitely good.

In the midst of this, those of you who really know me know that I am constantly questioning my purpose and direction.  How am I doing at fulfilling God’s design for my life?  Do I bring worth and value to Student Life as an organization and ministry?  How can I improve and do things better?  Am I really listening to the Spirit intently?  Do I do too much of my own power and abilities?  Etc.

The reason that I ask these questions is truly out of the intense desire in me to not waste time but live life to the fullest and to the glory of God.  I take these things very seriously and consider what I do extremely important (though I’m sure some would look at it and laugh.  After all, at my age Speilberg, for example, was putting the finishing touches on JawsJAWS!).

All this is leading to a quote I read in the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly.  It is by Bertrand Russell as quoted by Viggo Mortensen: “One of the symptoms of approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.”

Am I wrong about what I do?  Perhaps.  I do believe that regardless of what I do, I won’t thwart the will of God.  He’s too big for that.  However, I would like to be a part of that will, to be used, to leave lasting impact, to have a small sense of pride (perhaps regardless of how sinful it may be), to look back at 27 or 72 and think, “I did all right.”

It is amazing I haven’t had more nervous breakdowns.  (I have had one, but it was almost five years ago).  But all this makes me think about something Randy (my boss if you don’t know, president of Student Life) once said about something we saw similar to what I do.  And I quote: “I wasn’t concerned about what my kids were seeing because it wasn’t anything new.”

I hope no one ever says that about me.

This could be the year…

Xanga Post Monday August 15, 2005

Still working on the Buechner quotes.  Sorry.

Small goal for this week: update my site more than once.

Spent the weekend in Chattanooga, TN with Liza’s dad and his wife.  The weekend can be summed up in one scenario.  Entire family (Liza, me, Liza’s dad, his wife, liza’s sister, liza’s brother, his wife, our niece Gracie, our nephew Gavin, and our other niece Lila) all sitting in the living room with the t.v. on, tuned to golf, but muted.  Gracie is wining about how she wants something, so everyone jumps to her beckon call.  Gavin is crawling around tring to grab stuff while various people say, “no, Gavin,” over and over.  Liza is cuddling Lila and thinking about how much she wants a child.  Susan, Liza’s step-mom, is talking non-stop in a slow monotone about what a “soul patch” is actually called and how she found that out.  Cyndi, Liza’s sister, is talking as well and getting louder so she can be heard over Susan.  Jim and April are having some Jack-and-Cokes.  I meanwhile, have my laptop out editing scripts while clinging to my own sanity.  It was incredible, if by incredible you mean mind-numbingly traumatic and exhausting.

In response to KJ’s idea of fearless living which I believe Culpepper is now adopting, I would like to remind everyone thay I have had a similar campaign going for almost a year.  That’s right.  “The No Crap Campaign.”  Stay tuned for updates.

This has been Kinsley, Greatest of all Time.

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